The Militant Agnostic

**All text taken directly from online Christian Fundamentalist Forums**

Via: http://www.fstdt.net/

Derived from the noun: cafeteria -

Cafeterian is a slang term coined by Pile that refers to a theist who claims to be part of a particular religious affiliation (such as a “Christian”), who picks and chooses select aspects of scripture and dogma to follow, while ignoring contradictory or other scriptures, rules and dogma.

Since almost all religious people pick-and-choose how they want to interpret the nature of their faith and its tenets, you could say all theists are “cafeterians” but there’s a special brand of theist, usually Christians, who like to spend a lot of time and energy calling themselves “real Christians” and railing against other “fake Christians” who don’t follow their particular interpretation of scripture, what Jesus is all about, or other aspects of their faith.

These “cafeterians” basically select what they want to believe in, not unlike one would visit a cafeteria and select specific plates of food, while ignoring everything else.

Here’s a classic example of a “cafeterian” diatribe:

If all Jesus said was “love god and love others” then the bible could be a half-page long. Isn’t it convenient that this Cafeterian has condensed the entire nature and history of Christianity into this simple sentence. It’s up to us to trust him that this guy somehow has figured the whole of Christianity out.

Sure.

Are you a militant agnostic or atheist who is still on someone’s church roster?  Many of us are, but the British have come up with an easy solution for the problem.  You can now get a certificate of debaptism from the National Secular Society website.  Though many of us think that this is a swell idea, the folks over at catholic.net are calling it “the latest attack by atheistic groups around the globe.”

Apparently this “attack”, along with all those atheist bus ads, have put them over the edge.

So far, over 100,000 Brits who are disgusted with Christianity have downloaded the form.  From the website:

This is not the first attempt to rid society of Christian morals and virtues. Although the list is lengthy, we could point to the utilitarianism of Jeremy Bentham. He conjured up the idea of establishing an ethical code based on two core principles: do all that brings you pleasure, and avoid all that causes pain. That sounds a bit like the “stop worrying and enjoy you life” bus signs we see today. Yet there was a slight crack in Bentham’s ethical idea. What happens when someone pursues his pleasure at the expense of another person? To overcome that problem, Bentham said that there was no such thing as rights: “Rights are nonsense on stilts”, in his words. What then of the necessity for law to recognize the natural dignity – and therefore also rights – of every human person?

Wow.

I know for sure that I am probably on a couple of church rosters, but though I like the idea, I don’t think that I will print out this form and send it in.  I feel that it is unnecessary.

I would, however, like to have one to hang on the wall of my office.

You might think that this post title is meant to be ironic. It’s not.  I got the following email from a friendly acquaintance today with the subject line of “Fun Meditation Service”.

This church invite was so refreshing that I almost considered going!  In Louisiana, the only church invites you get usually come from ex Sunday School teachers or deacon nazis and come in the mail with a tone of “you stupid sinner, you’re going to go to hell unless you get your ass back in the pews and your money back in the plate”.

Church people in the Bible Belt are militant.  In a bad way.

Anyway, here’s the letter - enjoy!

Our (Buddhist) Presbyterian Church has just begun a meditation series on Wednesday nights.  Okay, maybe Highland Presbyterian is not technically also Buddhist, but our pastor (George Wortham, husband of ULM Spanish Prof, Maria Blanca Wortham) DOES have his PhD in comparative theology from a Scottish University and he IS quite ecumenical…he really does use a Buddhist chime in our services.

Anyhow, we (many of the attendees at the first service last week weren’t church members) begin at 8:00, meidtate for 20 minutes, then gather around tea and discuss our experiences.  If you’re interested, we’d be happy to pick you up tomorrow night at 7:45 (you are on our way).

The meditation is not overtly religious, and requires no fealty to God or any particular flavor thereof (we have one ardent atheist who comes…and is very welcome…and contributes fun observations such as “I meditate to escape Christianity”)…I’m cc’ing others to invite them also.  After making fitful starts to meditate by myself, I’m excited about the encouraging environment of meditating with others.

Based on our prior conversations, I think that you might also be interested in a series we’re doing on “liberal” Christianity on Sunday afternoons.  Thankfully, we are going through a dynamic period during which we are examining how we want to “do” church.  We would really like your perspective.

Let me know if (any of) you are interested.  For mapquest.com purposes, Highland Presbyterian Church is located at 1403 Wellerman Road, West Monroe, LA 71291.

Hope to see you soon.

What do you think, guys? Should I go?

If you live in the Northeast Louisiana area, I’d love to hear your opinion about this church.

I stopped to grab a beautiful baked potato in Wendy’s today and was unfortunate enough to notice the big screen parked on the wall which was blaring Fox News.  Twenty minutes and one baked potato later, I was so fucking sick of hearing about the swine flu that I have vowed to turn off the TV for the rest of the week. (btw, one of these sure would have been handy)

Here comes Glen Beck comparing the Swine Flu to the 1914 pandemic flu.  Though our health care system is currently bad, I’m sure that we are a little more advanced than we were in 1914 and are quite capable of handling the flu.

I am sick of the fear mongering that is going on. Keep us in fear and we’ll have something to pray for.  After all, if there is nothing to fear, why would we need God?

The National Organization for Marriage has just released a new 1.5 million dollar ad campaign against gay marriage. The ad series is called “Gathering Storm” and imposes on any unfortunate viewer who happens to be watching that gay marriage is a threat to everyone.

The actors in the commercial represent different scenarios in which gay marriage will make your life harder and doom us all to hell in the process.

1. A doctor who must choose between her faith and her job.  NOM is referring to the Benitez decision in California, determining that a doctor cannot violate California anti-discrimination law by refusing to treat a lesbian based on religious belief.  Correct me if I’m wrong, but I thought do no harm was part of the Hippocratic oath.
2. A member of New Jersey church group which is punished by the state because they don’t support same-sex marriage.  This is in reference to a New Jersey church which runs, and profits from, a beachside pavilion that it rents out to the general public for all manner of occasions –concerts, debates and even Civil War reenactments— but balks at permitting couples to hold civil union ceremonies there.  The law does not challenge  the church organization’s beliefs about homosexuality – it merely requires that a pavilion that had been open to all for years comply with laws protecting everyone from discrimination, including gays and lesbians.
3. A Massachusetts parent who stands by helpless while the state teaches her son that gay marriage is okay. The real fact is that the Massachusetts parent disagrees with an aspect of her son’s public education - a discussion of the many different kinds of families he will likely encounter in life, including gay and lesbian couples.  The law does not stop her from disagreeing, from teaching him consistently with her differing beliefs at home, or even educating her child in a setting that is more in line with her faith traditions.  But it does not allow any one parent to dictate the curriculum for all students based on her family’s religious traditions.

I will be getting married in one week. The ceremony will be performed by a dear friend of ours who happens to be gay. Many of our gay friends and family members will be driving 6 or more hours to attend our beach wedding, knowing full well that in most of America, they do not have the same privilege that we do.

I, for one, am not amused by this ad.  As far as Maggie Gallagher, the president of NOM, I can only say that I hope  she one day looks into hear heart and realizes that she spent 1.5 million dollars on hate and fear, when she could have been spending it to better the lives of thousands of children across the United States.

Enough gloom and doom.  Here’s a remix brought to you by FeyFriends for all my homies out there. Get those t-shirts ready for a gay vs. straight kickball game on the beach!  I love you guys!

Even though I am not a total atheist, I do adore Richard Dawkins.  The God Delusion is one of the better books that I have read.  One of the main reasons that I am a fan of his is because he has balls the size of a small planet.  He knows the kind of hate is in for by being public about his beliefs, yet he soldiers on and even writes books on the subject.

Here is a video of Richard Dawkins reading some of his hate mail from loving Christians.

Holy Smokes -

voice over: give him one of these pills if he has any pain
a parable; what is it? well it’s a little story with a lot of truth in it, an earthly story with a heavenly meaning, Jesus told many parables to grown ups and children alike, he told them simply and sincerely
in words every one could understand, so that all might learn the lesson he was trying to teach

well they were selfish with their helmets on the little bus
to break fluid sewage crippled up the get retarded nickel punks
slowly copas wore as lowly robot role evoke would one day rise in sections to interrogate the holy ghost (i knew it)

holy smokes father black suit white collar
kiddie porn dungeon guns and 3 fingers for your daughters
caught belly up antique Nazi paraphernalia
cannot pay your bills with holy water and hail Mary luck

shucks fucker enjoy the alcatraz shower fun
and mommy’s madam cliche generation X agnostic front
it ate the nifty fate the ninteen fifty eight
before the new new testament approved alter boy fistic rape

and take me to your leader long as he don’t manipulate toddler fever
call me crazy but i bet that wasn’t gods demeanor
sodameter peaking and (me too) on long island was Jesus and every weekend spoon fed to appease a traditional lover burning of a middle Pennsylvenia shit hole where elders movements stressed a stellar therapeutic bible cycle
one church with the bait and tackle stored next door and not much more, so the two moved to New York made babies raised on what they’d saw

christmas morning smelled fresher than angel pussy
but immaculate conception came second to playful goodies
like laser tag was way more spiritual than blood and body wafer bags
and manger statues as long as Santa ate the cookies

when i was a saint I’ll eat paint with snakes and bullies
said if only you memorized your prayers like you did your cool G’s
see by the time i was old enough to know what religion was
i was catholicism numb and truly didnt give a FUCK

94′ moved out the crib and ain’t seen a steeple since
what knievell evil seeks in christian leaders pitch
to priests who lap slap with parental advisory warnings
ill be auditioning gods in my office on Monday morning

uh oh and yet another pill slip down the hatch and back up through the kill switch
I need a couple A’s for Q’s I’m not an asshole I’m just a little confused

voice over:
this story reminds us of the one Jesus told about people who were kind and helpful to others
he said that one day the king would say to his people, come, inherit the kingdom prepared for you, for when I was hungry you gave me food, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me
but the people asked, lord when did we see you hungry and feed you, or sick or in prison
and come to you and the king answered, in as much as you have done it unto the least of these my brethren, you have done it unto me

Yeah
just a little bruise in the back of the pews
actin amused with a mask on them Vatican blues
for in the eyes of the organization I was raised in
Aes is just another sinning brick in hells basement
cubical adjacent to the killers and rapists for what?
drugs and fuck it it’s part of growin up
like cups of a dumb shit’s better than the schools
I’m not an asshole I’m just a little confused

just a lit ‘fused in the back of the pews
watching a thousand flavors of the same god feud
I’d figure ultimate peace is the common theme
so it’s a no brainer peace when the blood hit the screen
I got a basic good and evil sensibility born
good neighbor know a halo woulda been over horns
more science than faith the more karma than bread and booze
I’m not an asshole I’m just a little confused
not an asshole I’m just a little confused
not an asshole I’m just a little confused
not an asshole I’m just a little confused
you know what Aesop, to be completely honest, you’re a fucking asshole

If you haven’t been following the news over the last few months about all the worldwide atheist bus ads, you’ve been missing out!  All over the world, atheists have been donating money to get their message out on the sides of buses everywhere.

One of my favorite was displayed on buses in London.  It said,” There probably is no god.  Stop worrying and enjoy your life.”

Believe it or not, the U.S. is getting in on the action!  There was a campaign in Washington DC and a new one launched in Seattle in the beginning of March.  Here’s the Seattle bus ad:

Now, there’s a cause I can get behind!

I wanted to watch the Religulous movie the minute I first saw the preview, unfortunately though, I didn’t see it until this weekend.  It didn’t come to theaters in my hometown.  No surprise there, since I live in the apex of the Bible Belt.  We don’t get many “controversial” films here.

The movie was delightful.  I was happy to see that Bill Mahr didn’t act the asshole that he could have.  He only got nasty with people who were profiting off of other’s beliefs - ie: the preacher with the $2000.00 suit and all the bling and the shop keeper who sold Mary statues for over 2 grand.

For the most part, he was polite, which is remarkable considering some of the lunatics that he interviewed.  It’s nice to see someone preaching doubt and not throwing it in someone’s face as a religion.

At a recent “marriage rally” in North Carolina, David Gibbs III, a lawyer who in 2005 fought to keep brain-damaged Terri Schiavo on life support, told rally participants gay marriage would “open the door to unusual marriage in North Carolina.

“Why not polygamy, or three or four spouses?” Gibbs asked. “Maybe people will want to marry their pets or robots.”

I’ll be the first to admit that I have a special relationship with both my coffee pot and my Blackberry.  However, not once have I considered taking these relationships to a more physical and permanent level.

Over 1,000 people, most from local Baptist churches, attended the rally on Tuesday to demand that legislators give them an opportunity to vote on a constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage.

Republican legislators reintroduced a bill last week that would allow North Carolina to hold a referendum on defining marriage as between one man and one woman. The state already prohibits same-sex marriage, but the folks at the rally want more protection just in case a liberal judge decides the current law is unconstitutional.

There were, however, a couple of groups in the crowd that opposed the amendment. Mitchell Gold, of Faith in America, argued that marriage, far from being a fixed institution, has evolved. Women were once considered the property of their husbands, and blacks and whites were not legally allowed to marry in some states until 1967.

I’m pretty sure no one listened to him.

According to The Washington Post, one brave Green Party member ( Rep. Richard Carroll of North Little Rock) wants to repeal Article 19 Section 1 of the 1874 the Arkansas constitution that states:

“No person who denies the being of a God shall hold any office in the civil departments of this State, nor be competent to testify as a witness in any court.”

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The following events are true and took place at the Super Wal Mart in West Monroe, Louisiana on Friday evening, February 27th.

Small town Wal Mart on a Friday night is not a pretty thing. Entertaining, though.

I went to Wal Mart last night to upgrade my son’s cell phone plan and get him a new phone.

Tip for my readers: You can get the same phones for free at Wal Mart that cost upwards of $100.00 at the AT&T store.

Upon entering Wal Mart, we noticed an ambulance, fire truck and police car outside.  “Fight, probably.”, my son said.  Upon further investigation, it was discovered that instead, a man had passed out while looking at cold medicine in the pharmacy section of the store.

We then navigated our way through the hordes of families who were spending the Friday paycheck on DVD’s , toys for the screaming kids and tater tots to the electronics section.

There are already two women there talking to the clerk about the various cell phones.  Both women had a shopping basket full of small, loud children.  One of the smallest boys was holding choking a tiny dog and twisting it into unnatural positions while his sister watched.

I wanted to inform his mother, but what do you say?  “Hey lady, your kid is killing a dog in the middle of Wal Mart.”  Or perhaps, “Excuse me, mam, I see the dog in your basket is lying very still.  Is he dead?”

They rolled all the kids and the little dog away from us before I had a chance to say anything.  Just as my son and I were approaching the cell phone counter, a woman who looked like Macy Gray and sounded like a drag queen cut in line and started asking questions about her phone.  The little sales girl looked at us apologetically and answered a few of her questions while trying to help us.

Soon, Macy Gray’s midget boyfriend approached and tried to get in on the conversation. When we finally started to get the phone business taken care of, we began to hear the spontaneous eruption of a black gospel choir coming from a few aisles over.  My son and I looked at each other and continued trying to purchase a phone.

It was then that I realized that I did not find any of these events to be unusual for a Wal Mart setting.  Especailly on a Friday night.  I did eventually walk over to find the gospel singers, only because I was curious to see if they were wearing robs, Wal Mart vests, or just plain street clothes.  Turns out it was a small woman’s choir in nice church clothes singing in the Lay a Way department.  Huh.

Got the phone and headed out.  Past Macy Gray and the midget, past the ambulance, past all the families in their Jesus t-shirts and past the black gospel choir.